I must say, I certainly do work for a classy corporation.
With an empty hole where the once time fully stocked mini fridge was located and gummy snacks replacing the usual fresh fruit and bagels, the 3 hour Quality System Review proved to be quite an experience.
Because most of our corporate staff is not located in the same state as our facility, meetings such as this hinge on our ability to coordinate several people from several states on a speaker phone, a speaker phone that requires the participants on this end to be quiet in order for the speaker on the other end to be heard.
With the crinkling of the snack bags and people entering and exiting the conference room, this proved to be nearly impossible.
As I sat and listened to each and every slide as it was presented several things occurred to me.
First, I was the only participant in the room that did not drink coffee. I have joked in the past about the 'Stainless Steel Coffee Club', but, I'm here to say, it is in fact true. As I sat there, staring at everyone seated around that table, I realized I was the only participant without the steaming hot mug of prestige.
I must get myself a mug! They don't need to know I'm not drinking coffee from this mug!
Second, Spicegirl has let herself GO!!! I couldn't help but stare at the fashion victim presenting the slides. Her greasy unkempt hair, her brown and pink wrinkled up t-shirt, the bottoms of her wide leg jeans folded up about 3 inches to show her brilliant red and white Nike's, it was definitely an assault on the eyes, a crime scene I couldn't help but grimace from.
What could she be thinking???
Third, someone in that room had farted such a foul stench my eyes watered. I have every reason to believe it was the engineering manager who, by the way, just so happened to disappear from the room the instant my nose hairs began to curl, the instant the production control manager had placed his hand over his nose and looked in my very direction.
My direction!!!!
Like I could possibly pass something that putrid from my body!
I will never know if he really thought I was the source of that stench, but I do know, I did hear the toilet flush only moments before the engineering manager returned back to the table with a smile on his face.
The disgusting pig.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Attention Seekers
As any person who has ever worked in a management field knows, you invariably end up with at least one individual working for you who is a constant attention seeker. It does not matter who you are talking to, where you are standing, or what you are doing, they will go out of their way to interrupt you for the silliest of excuses.
Unfortunately, most of my teams are comprised of such individuals.
I start my day each and every day bombarded by the attention seekers from the minute I step through the door. 10 steps into the building I already know who has talked about who behind their back, who has come to work with alcohol on their breath, who has been working while everyone else has just been screwing around, who has received an email that has ticked them off, and who has had financial/medical burdens befall them and 'I' need to find a way to work with their schedule.
To be honest, it pisses me off.
Just once I would like to make it to my desk, take my jacket off and hang it on the hook, then return to my desk and boot up my computer without someone attached to my hip unleashing their burdens on me.
Thank God I have Sophia, I still have no idea how she can sit there and listen to me grumble all the time.
For some reason, today seems to be worse then most days.
Because of corporate spending limitations, our incoming package count has been very erratic. Some days we have a ton of stuff that needs to be received, others, I have so little I worry that I can even keep one receiver busy for the entire day.
On the light days, I am forced to loan out people. Yesterday I had chosen to loan out The Scavenger. She was not happy. Apparently she had felt that since she had 17 years with the company she was exempt from the need to be managed by another individual.
Forced to give her an attitude adjustment, I simply stated to her that she was going to work in prep and I didn't care if the girls in the prep area told her they had no work, I had spoken to their boss, and she GUARANTEED me they did.
The look on her face was priceless.
Needless to say, this morning the Scavenger became one of the attention seekers. In a desperate attempt to make herself appear busy so she would not need to be loaned out she has begun to grasp at straws and dredge old failed projects to make her look industrious and necessary in receiving today.
I can't help but chuckle to myself at how obvious she is.
So, here I sit, at my desk, with the Scavenger coming up to me every 5 minutes to talk about 'how' we should be scrapping something out of the system and should she contact the accounts payable department.
I want to throttle her.
In my politest yet most authoritative tone, I tell her she is expending time and energy on something that does not need to be evaluated. She needs to stop. GQ has set up a meeting and is WORKING the issue.
It continues on.
Several minutes later she comes back and asks the exact same question. This time I had to tell her, point blank, to let it drop. The meeting is scheduled for Thursday, she is NOT to think about it again.
While she has not approached my desk in over an hour, I have reason to believe she is still consumed with that 'problem'.
Then there is Misery. Misery is a chronic complainer who is not satisfied unless she has something to bitch about.
Seeing that the Scavenger had given me a break for a moment, Misery had made herself at home. Of all the things to be complaining about, Misery had chosen to complain about her coworker who had been driving her insane because she would not leave her alone.
It was all I could do to NOT laugh.
There I sat, listening as Misery complained about the exact crime in which she was complaining about, while Hedda Hopper interrupted to seek some attention of her own.
If I could just get my hands on one of those invisibility cloaks.......
Unfortunately, most of my teams are comprised of such individuals.
I start my day each and every day bombarded by the attention seekers from the minute I step through the door. 10 steps into the building I already know who has talked about who behind their back, who has come to work with alcohol on their breath, who has been working while everyone else has just been screwing around, who has received an email that has ticked them off, and who has had financial/medical burdens befall them and 'I' need to find a way to work with their schedule.
To be honest, it pisses me off.
Just once I would like to make it to my desk, take my jacket off and hang it on the hook, then return to my desk and boot up my computer without someone attached to my hip unleashing their burdens on me.
Thank God I have Sophia, I still have no idea how she can sit there and listen to me grumble all the time.
For some reason, today seems to be worse then most days.
Because of corporate spending limitations, our incoming package count has been very erratic. Some days we have a ton of stuff that needs to be received, others, I have so little I worry that I can even keep one receiver busy for the entire day.
On the light days, I am forced to loan out people. Yesterday I had chosen to loan out The Scavenger. She was not happy. Apparently she had felt that since she had 17 years with the company she was exempt from the need to be managed by another individual.
Forced to give her an attitude adjustment, I simply stated to her that she was going to work in prep and I didn't care if the girls in the prep area told her they had no work, I had spoken to their boss, and she GUARANTEED me they did.
The look on her face was priceless.
Needless to say, this morning the Scavenger became one of the attention seekers. In a desperate attempt to make herself appear busy so she would not need to be loaned out she has begun to grasp at straws and dredge old failed projects to make her look industrious and necessary in receiving today.
I can't help but chuckle to myself at how obvious she is.
So, here I sit, at my desk, with the Scavenger coming up to me every 5 minutes to talk about 'how' we should be scrapping something out of the system and should she contact the accounts payable department.
I want to throttle her.
In my politest yet most authoritative tone, I tell her she is expending time and energy on something that does not need to be evaluated. She needs to stop. GQ has set up a meeting and is WORKING the issue.
It continues on.
Several minutes later she comes back and asks the exact same question. This time I had to tell her, point blank, to let it drop. The meeting is scheduled for Thursday, she is NOT to think about it again.
While she has not approached my desk in over an hour, I have reason to believe she is still consumed with that 'problem'.
Then there is Misery. Misery is a chronic complainer who is not satisfied unless she has something to bitch about.
Seeing that the Scavenger had given me a break for a moment, Misery had made herself at home. Of all the things to be complaining about, Misery had chosen to complain about her coworker who had been driving her insane because she would not leave her alone.
It was all I could do to NOT laugh.
There I sat, listening as Misery complained about the exact crime in which she was complaining about, while Hedda Hopper interrupted to seek some attention of her own.
If I could just get my hands on one of those invisibility cloaks.......
Monday, January 29, 2007
The Pompadour
When the engineering manager appeared at the door with The Pompadour, I was completely speechless. Not only did I not know they had hired a new engineer, but they had hired quite possibly the nerdiest guy alive.
There he stood, in all his pompadour glory, 98lbs soak and wet, with 3 inches of hair and gigantic wrap around safety glasses, looking at Sophia and I as the engineering manager made his introductions.
"Hello Ladies, this is The Pompadour, he is our newest addition to the support staff. Pompadour, this is Sophia and Phoebe. Phoebe, I would like to start out The Pompadour in the incoming area for a little training, it probably won't be until tomorrow morning, do you think we could arrange that?" the engineering manager had really left me no options. It's not like I could say 'no, you're on crack, I don't think so.'
"Sure, just send him back and we'll get started." With a smile affixed to our faces, Sophia and I had welcomed The Pompadour and told him is was nice meeting him.
"OMG! That is the biggest nerd I've ever seen." I waited until the engineering manager and The pompadour were out of earshot then let it all spill out. "When did they hire this guy?"
"He must be the guy they were talking about in the plant meeting," Sophia had been here on Wednesday when they had the meeting, I was off sick.
"This should be interesting," I was already dreading his return.
I didn't have to dread for long.....
Less then 30 minutes later I had returned to the area to find The Pompadour and the engineering manager were back, apparently for training. So much for 'tomorrow morning'.
The Pompadour and I started our training session in the receiving department. I was completely embarrassed at the level of training the receiver was displaying. Not only did she not explain any of the steps she was taking, she did not take the time to explain what any of the acronyms meant, and, top it off, she was talking down to him and chatting on the phone right in front of me.
I was horrified.
Note to self: Do not do that again!
Looking to escape this mortifying experience, I headed The Pompadour in the direction of Sophia for a little training on the inspection of custom product. I was pleased to see her professional demeaner and calmness as she began her training.
Breathing a sigh of relief, I headed back over to the receiver and asked her what the hell the scene was all about, I could see The Pompadour was nervous as hell, the whole scene had caused him to break out in hives all over her nick and face.
"I don't know, I just was trying to do too much," her eyes were huge. I don't normally have to talk to the girls about their behavior.
"Ok, we just need to be patient as we are walking through things for others. Remember, he is here to train and learn our process. It is my responsibility to the engineering manager to make sure he has a basic understanding of the process," I was relaxed with my tone but firm with my instruction. I was definitely non plussed with her behavior.
Things I have learning about The Pompadour in his brief training session within my area:
- The Pompadour is married and has a son, but spent the last 3 years in China without his wife and son. He is also minus a wedding band. I have a feeling The Pompadour is no longer married, but pretends to be.
- The Pompadour was laid off from his previous job because of downsizing. He had made switches for the automotive industry.
- The weather in China this time of the year is absolutely beautiful.
- The Pompadour had applied for a position within the company of one of our customers, he had not heard back from them to this date.
- The Pompadour is considering renting an apartment in town throughout the week so he does not have the long commute to and from work each day.
On an unrelated side note:
I received this email from Mr. Brownstar earlier this afternoon.
To the gang,
I would like to cancel the additional 5-S meeting we added for Tuesday. I have a Dr. appointment that I can not reschedule and would
really like to be present when we continue. Please bring any ideas and walk through input to this Thursday’s scheduled meeting.
There will be an agenda forthcoming.
Sincerely, Mr. Brownstar
What an ass. Too afraid he's going to miss something, he feels the need to hold us back from actually achieving something. This is EXACTLY the reason why all of our other attempts at 5-S have failed, to date.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Mr. Brownstar - Power Monger
In an effort to earn brownie points with the Upper Crust, Mr. Brownstar has taken it upon himself to start up a 5-S movement within our facility.
He has let the entire experience go straight to his crimson comb-over head.
I have to say, I did sit back and chuckle this morning when I thought about how the whole experience has not gone the way he had envisioned. I know Mr. Brownstar was thinking he would come out looking like a model manager 5-S king.
Instead, he has made himself into a numbskulled jack ass who is desperately trying to control a team who has matured and moved on without him.
What had started out to be Mr. Brownstar's vision of a 5-S team comprised completely of hourly folks who would be forced to do all the work while Brownstar basked in the glory has turned into a 5-S team that is comprised entirely of production managers where Brownstar is just one of the group, nothing else.
He is NOT liking it.
Last night we had all assembled in the conference room, ready and prepared for our second meeting for the 5-S team. Conversation had begun without Brownstar, he was his customary 15 minutes late.
"Oh, I see you started out without me," Mr. Brownstar had commented as he cruised into the conference room with an easel and a big yellow post-it pad designed for the easel.
"Uh, yeah, the meeting starts at 3:30," Calamity Jane stared pointedly at Brownstar.
"Ok, I was just rounding up some stuff so we can plan this thing......." at that Brownstar begins to go into an in depth monologue rehashing all of the issues from the past meeting.
"Excuse me if I'm wrong, but, this is all stuff that was covered in the last meeting," Calamity Jane is beginning to get irritated.
"It is? Why didn't you stop me," Brownstar is getting irritated as well. Meeting is not going as he had envisioned.
"Nobody could get a word in edgewise, buddy," Calamity Jane has made the comment in a joking manner but we all know the true intentions.
"Well, ok then, let's get on with the meeting." It is now 30 minutes into the scheduled 60 minute meeting, Brownstar has brought us back to 'start'. "Can I get someone to draw on the easel please, we need to map this thing out, may get a time line on how we want this to go. I was thinking next week we could start with a walk thru." Everyone is literally staring at Brownstar.
Another week until the walk thru?? This is never going to get off the floor if we don't start to get some progress done immediately!
"I'm not waiting another fucking week to do a damn walk thru, let's get this show on the road," Big Dog is not impressed by Brownstar at all.
"What do you mean? Do you all feel this way?" Brownstar is up in arms, nobody will go along with his Dream Scheme.
"Well, yeah, we won't know what we've got to work with until we actually take a look at what we're fixing to change Brownstar," Calamity Jane is trying her best to be nice to Brownstar.
Background information: Calamity Jane was the 5-S instructor in the company she worked for previous to finding herself in her niche in our production floor hell.
Against his will, the meeting continues out on the production floor. What had been decided previously was the walk thru of the materials process. What happened in reality was a tour through the receiving and receiving inspection departments at the instruction of Brownstar.
Drawers were opened, comments were made, insinuations flew from Brownstar about what was necessary and what wasn't necessary for everyday production.
Everyone was beginning to resent the idea that Brownstar was even on the team. While it had been his 'idea' to get this thing started, he had completely shown himself to not be a good team member.
Our goals are to improve upon the production floor, his goal is to gain power and superiority.
I'm curious to see how this is going to pan out.
He has let the entire experience go straight to his crimson comb-over head.
I have to say, I did sit back and chuckle this morning when I thought about how the whole experience has not gone the way he had envisioned. I know Mr. Brownstar was thinking he would come out looking like a model manager 5-S king.
Instead, he has made himself into a numbskulled jack ass who is desperately trying to control a team who has matured and moved on without him.
What had started out to be Mr. Brownstar's vision of a 5-S team comprised completely of hourly folks who would be forced to do all the work while Brownstar basked in the glory has turned into a 5-S team that is comprised entirely of production managers where Brownstar is just one of the group, nothing else.
He is NOT liking it.
Last night we had all assembled in the conference room, ready and prepared for our second meeting for the 5-S team. Conversation had begun without Brownstar, he was his customary 15 minutes late.
"Oh, I see you started out without me," Mr. Brownstar had commented as he cruised into the conference room with an easel and a big yellow post-it pad designed for the easel.
"Uh, yeah, the meeting starts at 3:30," Calamity Jane stared pointedly at Brownstar.
"Ok, I was just rounding up some stuff so we can plan this thing......." at that Brownstar begins to go into an in depth monologue rehashing all of the issues from the past meeting.
"Excuse me if I'm wrong, but, this is all stuff that was covered in the last meeting," Calamity Jane is beginning to get irritated.
"It is? Why didn't you stop me," Brownstar is getting irritated as well. Meeting is not going as he had envisioned.
"Nobody could get a word in edgewise, buddy," Calamity Jane has made the comment in a joking manner but we all know the true intentions.
"Well, ok then, let's get on with the meeting." It is now 30 minutes into the scheduled 60 minute meeting, Brownstar has brought us back to 'start'. "Can I get someone to draw on the easel please, we need to map this thing out, may get a time line on how we want this to go. I was thinking next week we could start with a walk thru." Everyone is literally staring at Brownstar.
Another week until the walk thru?? This is never going to get off the floor if we don't start to get some progress done immediately!
"I'm not waiting another fucking week to do a damn walk thru, let's get this show on the road," Big Dog is not impressed by Brownstar at all.
"What do you mean? Do you all feel this way?" Brownstar is up in arms, nobody will go along with his Dream Scheme.
"Well, yeah, we won't know what we've got to work with until we actually take a look at what we're fixing to change Brownstar," Calamity Jane is trying her best to be nice to Brownstar.
Background information: Calamity Jane was the 5-S instructor in the company she worked for previous to finding herself in her niche in our production floor hell.
Against his will, the meeting continues out on the production floor. What had been decided previously was the walk thru of the materials process. What happened in reality was a tour through the receiving and receiving inspection departments at the instruction of Brownstar.
Drawers were opened, comments were made, insinuations flew from Brownstar about what was necessary and what wasn't necessary for everyday production.
Everyone was beginning to resent the idea that Brownstar was even on the team. While it had been his 'idea' to get this thing started, he had completely shown himself to not be a good team member.
Our goals are to improve upon the production floor, his goal is to gain power and superiority.
I'm curious to see how this is going to pan out.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Uneventful Day
I wish I had more to report, but, today has been the most boring day of my life.
A rarity on the production floor, I must say.
I'm sure it will be a very short lived scenario, however. The purchasing ban has been lifted by corporate purchasing, meaning, we are now able to max out our credit with the suppliers once again.
If this morning is any indication, it'll be complete chaos until our next spending freeze.
Like vultures on a fresh kill, the instant the UPS truck had backed up to the window planners and business managers were circling the area, sniffing out the scene, looking for components that were expected to be delivered.
I was disgusted.
I had to email the production control manager and request he maintain 'control' of his people, they were out of hand. Visions of After Thanksgiving Sales came to mind as I witnessed them clawing through packages and yelling "This needs to be received, these are HOT!"
Someone please shoot me if I ever let myself sink to that level of professionalism.
On a side note - Hedda Hopper's van had a dead battery in it this morning when she went to leave for work. Odds are, before the end of the week, she'll be giving everyone a hard luck story about how her new van is acting up and she doesn't have the funds to fix it. Amazingly, however, she'll have the money to buy a million trinkets at the gas station, cd's to play in her cd player, and an article of clothing.
A rarity on the production floor, I must say.
I'm sure it will be a very short lived scenario, however. The purchasing ban has been lifted by corporate purchasing, meaning, we are now able to max out our credit with the suppliers once again.
If this morning is any indication, it'll be complete chaos until our next spending freeze.
Like vultures on a fresh kill, the instant the UPS truck had backed up to the window planners and business managers were circling the area, sniffing out the scene, looking for components that were expected to be delivered.
I was disgusted.
I had to email the production control manager and request he maintain 'control' of his people, they were out of hand. Visions of After Thanksgiving Sales came to mind as I witnessed them clawing through packages and yelling "This needs to be received, these are HOT!"
Someone please shoot me if I ever let myself sink to that level of professionalism.
On a side note - Hedda Hopper's van had a dead battery in it this morning when she went to leave for work. Odds are, before the end of the week, she'll be giving everyone a hard luck story about how her new van is acting up and she doesn't have the funds to fix it. Amazingly, however, she'll have the money to buy a million trinkets at the gas station, cd's to play in her cd player, and an article of clothing.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Cover that coinslot!
Shaking my head in disbelief I stare, unable to look away, at the back side of a bent over Mr. Brownstar, butt crack bared to the entire production floor.
"Oh My God! I can't even pull my eyes away from it," I look down at Sophia, the image of Brownstar's bare ass burned into my eyes.
"What's going on girlfriend?" Sophia turns to catch a glimpse, then recoils back in horror at the sight.
I can honestly say that, even though his face is appears to be a consistent ruddy crimson color through most of the day, his ass has undoubtedly not seen the light of day in years. I could have used a pair of sunglasses to block the glare from the light reflection.
"That's just soooooo wrong," turning my back, I walk in the direction of my desk.
God have mercy on my soul.
"Oh My God! I can't even pull my eyes away from it," I look down at Sophia, the image of Brownstar's bare ass burned into my eyes.
"What's going on girlfriend?" Sophia turns to catch a glimpse, then recoils back in horror at the sight.
I can honestly say that, even though his face is appears to be a consistent ruddy crimson color through most of the day, his ass has undoubtedly not seen the light of day in years. I could have used a pair of sunglasses to block the glare from the light reflection.
"That's just soooooo wrong," turning my back, I walk in the direction of my desk.
God have mercy on my soul.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
THE HIDDEN CAMERA
On break Betty came over to me and said "Sophia, come here I want you to look at this camera they installed at the entrance way."
"Well lets take a look.It's probably to see how many hourly workers are going outside to smoke,who's taking peoples coats and things from their pockets! God knows what else."
Then at lunch one of the tech's wanted to know what I was eating for lunch. He stood there watching me as I ate, I just might want to go back to eating in my car. You can't get away with too much everyone is on patrol checking out everything that's going on in the hood!!!! All those guys coming and going threw the Q-inspection area to bullshit with us.
Oh, here comes GQ signing off!!!!!!!
"Well lets take a look.It's probably to see how many hourly workers are going outside to smoke,who's taking peoples coats and things from their pockets! God knows what else."
Then at lunch one of the tech's wanted to know what I was eating for lunch. He stood there watching me as I ate, I just might want to go back to eating in my car. You can't get away with too much everyone is on patrol checking out everything that's going on in the hood!!!! All those guys coming and going threw the Q-inspection area to bullshit with us.
Oh, here comes GQ signing off!!!!!!!
The Production Floor Scavenger
Everyone at some point or another has had the experience of working with a 'scavenger'. This is the coworker who stares at you while you are preparing your lunch, open mouthed, spittle drooling, asking you 'what'cha bring me for lunch? It smells good.'
I HATE this type of person!
Unfortunately I have found myself in a position where I have one of these scavengers working for me, you all know her as Betty.
I had been sitting at my desk, eating my lunch yesterday, when, through the corner of my eye, I see a hand reaching into my trash. Startled, I look up to see who was attached to the hand that had found it's way into my peripheral vision.
"What are you doing?" I exclaimed, a little out of shock.
"Just lookin'. Figurin' out what you're eatin' for lunch cause it smells good," she continued to rifle.
"It's a Smart Ones 3 Cheese Ziti meal," I offered, trying to get her to stop. By this point she had found the empty box and had begun scoping it out.
Unable to stop myself, I shot Sophia a look of disgust and horror. The line of good taste and quoth had been crossed the instant Betty's hand had entered my trash receptacle. I was no longer worried if Betty knew my disgust now.
The question does remain, however, what exactly drives a person to feel the need to rummage through a coworkers trash to find out what it is they are smelling? Not only could she have a) asked me what I was eating, but, b) I still had the pasta sitting before me on my desk.
It is my deepest regret that I now have to believe, from this day forward, Betty must suffer from some sort of mild mental retardation.
I HATE this type of person!
Unfortunately I have found myself in a position where I have one of these scavengers working for me, you all know her as Betty.
I had been sitting at my desk, eating my lunch yesterday, when, through the corner of my eye, I see a hand reaching into my trash. Startled, I look up to see who was attached to the hand that had found it's way into my peripheral vision.
"What are you doing?" I exclaimed, a little out of shock.
"Just lookin'. Figurin' out what you're eatin' for lunch cause it smells good," she continued to rifle.
"It's a Smart Ones 3 Cheese Ziti meal," I offered, trying to get her to stop. By this point she had found the empty box and had begun scoping it out.
Unable to stop myself, I shot Sophia a look of disgust and horror. The line of good taste and quoth had been crossed the instant Betty's hand had entered my trash receptacle. I was no longer worried if Betty knew my disgust now.
The question does remain, however, what exactly drives a person to feel the need to rummage through a coworkers trash to find out what it is they are smelling? Not only could she have a) asked me what I was eating, but, b) I still had the pasta sitting before me on my desk.
It is my deepest regret that I now have to believe, from this day forward, Betty must suffer from some sort of mild mental retardation.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
A Man, a Soup Cook Off, a Dress
Mr. Brownstar has, quite possibly, gotten the shock of his life this morning.
Because of The Great Flood of 2007, our normal conference room has become a swirling vortex of industrial fans and mini heaters, all an attempt to dry out the carpet and drywall before serious damage and mold can set in.
In light of this, the production managers meeting had been relocated to the training room.
Mr. Brownstar and I had been in route to the training room when we happened upon GQ, also heading in the same direction. Being the kiss-ass suck up that he is, Mr. Brownstar had asked GQ if he would be participating in the latest EIG cook off they had set up, the soup cook off.
"Hey, GQ, so...... You planning on participating in my new cook off?" Mr. Brownstar's hand subconsciously smoothed out his goatee.
"I don't know..... You guys never do anything I want to do.... I want to do something that involves me wearing a dress. Why can't we do something like that?" Knowing GQ the way that I do, I know he's just saying this for effect. Knowing Mr. Brownstar the way that I do, I know he is internally freaking out to the point of no return.
"Hey, you know what? You could wear a dress to the soup cook off. How about that??" Mr. Brownstar's face is beet red, tiny sweat beads have formed on his crimson forehead.
We enter the training room, Mr. Brownstar red and sweating, me laughing my ass off.
"Is he serious? I don't know what to thing," by now, Mr. Brownstar is stammering and looking at the individuals who had already been assembled.
"Of course he's serious. That's GQ," I say, and make light of the conversation.
"Ok, wait a minute now, what in the hell are you talking about?" Tommy Lee is dying of curiosity, sitting on the edge of his seat.
As Mr. Brownstar begins the tale of GQ and the dress, Tommy Lee is called from the training room, missing most of the conversation. It was at the point Halitosis Woman was stating 'I'm done with GQ, I'm moving on......' that Tommy Lee entered the room again, missing almost the entire conversation.
"Now wait a moment here! What did I miss??" Tommy Lee was floored, most assuredly because from his snippet of conversation he had jumped to the conclusion Halitosis Woman and GQ had been romantically involved in a lustful and insidious way.
Shock to the system considering Halitosis Woman is a lesbian and GQ is Gay.
Because of The Great Flood of 2007, our normal conference room has become a swirling vortex of industrial fans and mini heaters, all an attempt to dry out the carpet and drywall before serious damage and mold can set in.
In light of this, the production managers meeting had been relocated to the training room.
Mr. Brownstar and I had been in route to the training room when we happened upon GQ, also heading in the same direction. Being the kiss-ass suck up that he is, Mr. Brownstar had asked GQ if he would be participating in the latest EIG cook off they had set up, the soup cook off.
"Hey, GQ, so...... You planning on participating in my new cook off?" Mr. Brownstar's hand subconsciously smoothed out his goatee.
"I don't know..... You guys never do anything I want to do.... I want to do something that involves me wearing a dress. Why can't we do something like that?" Knowing GQ the way that I do, I know he's just saying this for effect. Knowing Mr. Brownstar the way that I do, I know he is internally freaking out to the point of no return.
"Hey, you know what? You could wear a dress to the soup cook off. How about that??" Mr. Brownstar's face is beet red, tiny sweat beads have formed on his crimson forehead.
We enter the training room, Mr. Brownstar red and sweating, me laughing my ass off.
"Is he serious? I don't know what to thing," by now, Mr. Brownstar is stammering and looking at the individuals who had already been assembled.
"Of course he's serious. That's GQ," I say, and make light of the conversation.
"Ok, wait a minute now, what in the hell are you talking about?" Tommy Lee is dying of curiosity, sitting on the edge of his seat.
As Mr. Brownstar begins the tale of GQ and the dress, Tommy Lee is called from the training room, missing most of the conversation. It was at the point Halitosis Woman was stating 'I'm done with GQ, I'm moving on......' that Tommy Lee entered the room again, missing almost the entire conversation.
"Now wait a moment here! What did I miss??" Tommy Lee was floored, most assuredly because from his snippet of conversation he had jumped to the conclusion Halitosis Woman and GQ had been romantically involved in a lustful and insidious way.
Shock to the system considering Halitosis Woman is a lesbian and GQ is Gay.
Monday, January 15, 2007
THE FLOOD OF 2007
I received a phone call from Phoebe's manager Sunday during the football game telling
me the plant was closed.I thought "Oh my god they shut us down,like so many are doing now."
Well apparently a valve broke when the city back flushed the system and flooded our plant, but the show must go on. She asked me to come in and do inspections, so I was very happy too. My husband is home on disability- so I'm off. All the guys are strutting around like peacocks checking out the action.
Phoebe and I are catching up from Friday since I was not here. You have to drive to the other side of the state to go to a decent hospital. Well that hunk of a waterboy will be in tomorrow to fix our issue, so I will eyeing him as he walks by!!!Oooh-LA-LA .
The guy's are moving desks into different area's,when there's a vacant spot it's gone. Tomorrow will bring more action!
me the plant was closed.I thought "Oh my god they shut us down,like so many are doing now."
Well apparently a valve broke when the city back flushed the system and flooded our plant, but the show must go on. She asked me to come in and do inspections, so I was very happy too. My husband is home on disability- so I'm off. All the guys are strutting around like peacocks checking out the action.
Phoebe and I are catching up from Friday since I was not here. You have to drive to the other side of the state to go to a decent hospital. Well that hunk of a waterboy will be in tomorrow to fix our issue, so I will eyeing him as he walks by!!!Oooh-LA-LA .
The guy's are moving desks into different area's,when there's a vacant spot it's gone. Tomorrow will bring more action!
Thursday, January 11, 2007
The Cling On
At one point in your life you also will experience the absolute misery of having a 'Cling On'. The 'Cling On' is the person who, no matter how hard you try, is unshakable. He is the guy who will stand there and talk to you while your standing in the doorway to the restroom ready to piss your pants. He is the guy who will find the most oblivious of things to talk about just to have a reason to come to your desk. He is the guy who makes you cringe just at the sight of him from 100 yards.
This is my story.
Laura had approached me today to ask for my assistance in an acceptability matter. She had received 11 boxes of components that were packaged in the most haphazard way I have ever seen, to top it off, these components were supplied to us directly from one of our customers.
Our customers are our worst suppliers.
So, seeing the static sensitive components completely engulfed in static generating packaging material, I say to Laura 'We need to get Static Matt back here with the Geiger counter and see what the heck we've got going on. There's no way I can pass these through receiving, this is horrible.'
Thinking this to be a pretty cut and dry thing, I go to Static Matt's work station and request he bring his Geiger counter to the consignment area, I need his help.
Biggest mistake I've ever made, hands down.
For the next hour Laura and I stood around listening as Static Matt lectured us on everything he knew about static electricity, on how he would handle the situation if it were he who ran the company, and offered his assistance to us 'in any capacity we may need'.
I was ready to pierce my eardrums with a sharp implement before it was all said and done.
I wish I could say this was the end of my encounter with Static Matt, but, it was only the beginning.
Static Matt returned back to my desk 3 more times before it was all said and done, the final visit lengthy enough that he had to pull out the step ladder so he would have a seat to sit on while he chatted with me.
I wanted to die.
Apparently he had been mulling over my situation for the rest of the afternoon, literally discussing it with several people, and he felt the need to fill me in on their discussions.
This is the last time I ask Static Matt for anything, ever.
This is my story.
Laura had approached me today to ask for my assistance in an acceptability matter. She had received 11 boxes of components that were packaged in the most haphazard way I have ever seen, to top it off, these components were supplied to us directly from one of our customers.
Our customers are our worst suppliers.
So, seeing the static sensitive components completely engulfed in static generating packaging material, I say to Laura 'We need to get Static Matt back here with the Geiger counter and see what the heck we've got going on. There's no way I can pass these through receiving, this is horrible.'
Thinking this to be a pretty cut and dry thing, I go to Static Matt's work station and request he bring his Geiger counter to the consignment area, I need his help.
Biggest mistake I've ever made, hands down.
For the next hour Laura and I stood around listening as Static Matt lectured us on everything he knew about static electricity, on how he would handle the situation if it were he who ran the company, and offered his assistance to us 'in any capacity we may need'.
I was ready to pierce my eardrums with a sharp implement before it was all said and done.
I wish I could say this was the end of my encounter with Static Matt, but, it was only the beginning.
Static Matt returned back to my desk 3 more times before it was all said and done, the final visit lengthy enough that he had to pull out the step ladder so he would have a seat to sit on while he chatted with me.
I wanted to die.
Apparently he had been mulling over my situation for the rest of the afternoon, literally discussing it with several people, and he felt the need to fill me in on their discussions.
This is the last time I ask Static Matt for anything, ever.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Show me your urethra....
Quite possibly the most outragous request that has been asked of me, at work, to date. I know you're thinking, now, how in the heck could a question like that come up as a topic in a meeting?
Around this place, anything is possible.
Wednesdays are usually the 'Big Meeting' day for the production managers. Wednesdays are the days that HR and upper management decide to attend, Wednesdays are the days that any stragglers will attend with issues they feel need to be addressed, it is most assuredly a Wednesday when something completely humiliating and perverse will happen in front of the whole world.
Today was no different.
Mr. Brownstar had gone off on a tangent of some sort and began talking about music and Aretha Franklin. The New Guy, who was sitting directly to Mr. Brownstar's left, quickly corrected Mr. Brownstar and called her 'Urethra' Franklin.
"Oh, I take it you don't like Urethra?" Mr. Brownstar smiled, smoothing his goatee down with his palm.
"No." The New Guy was right to the point.
"Hmmmmm....." Mr. Brownstar turns, looks me in the eyes, and says "Hey, why don't you show me your urethra?"
I almost died. I'm certain my face turned bright red. Unable to stop myself, I started to laugh out of control and look over at Ellen.
"Woah!" Elen exclaims, a look of shock and humor splayed across her wrinkled up face. "That's about as bad as the 'cunt cap'." I can tell she's nearly speachless about the whole thing.
"Wait a minute..... What did I say? I don't think I meant that...." Mr. Brownstar is back peddling quickly. "I said 'show me your urethra' didn't I?" His face is beet red.
Shaking my head yes, I can see he has just now uncovered his faux paux.
"Oh my God, what did I mean? What's that thing in the back of your throat??" Mr. Brownstar is ready to drop dead of humiliation at this point.
"It's called a uvula," I'm so embarrassed I want to die, but I still give him the correct body part he was looking for.
By now, we are all laughing, even Obsessive Compulsive Ted, who, btw, was just about as red as I was at this point.
Around this place, anything is possible.
Wednesdays are usually the 'Big Meeting' day for the production managers. Wednesdays are the days that HR and upper management decide to attend, Wednesdays are the days that any stragglers will attend with issues they feel need to be addressed, it is most assuredly a Wednesday when something completely humiliating and perverse will happen in front of the whole world.
Today was no different.
Mr. Brownstar had gone off on a tangent of some sort and began talking about music and Aretha Franklin. The New Guy, who was sitting directly to Mr. Brownstar's left, quickly corrected Mr. Brownstar and called her 'Urethra' Franklin.
"Oh, I take it you don't like Urethra?" Mr. Brownstar smiled, smoothing his goatee down with his palm.
"No." The New Guy was right to the point.
"Hmmmmm....." Mr. Brownstar turns, looks me in the eyes, and says "Hey, why don't you show me your urethra?"
I almost died. I'm certain my face turned bright red. Unable to stop myself, I started to laugh out of control and look over at Ellen.
"Woah!" Elen exclaims, a look of shock and humor splayed across her wrinkled up face. "That's about as bad as the 'cunt cap'." I can tell she's nearly speachless about the whole thing.
"Wait a minute..... What did I say? I don't think I meant that...." Mr. Brownstar is back peddling quickly. "I said 'show me your urethra' didn't I?" His face is beet red.
Shaking my head yes, I can see he has just now uncovered his faux paux.
"Oh my God, what did I mean? What's that thing in the back of your throat??" Mr. Brownstar is ready to drop dead of humiliation at this point.
"It's called a uvula," I'm so embarrassed I want to die, but I still give him the correct body part he was looking for.
By now, we are all laughing, even Obsessive Compulsive Ted, who, btw, was just about as red as I was at this point.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
The Biggest Loser
The company I work for has decided to sponser a contest for weight loss.
They couldn't have done it in a more tasteless or tacky way. (See the actual wording from the 'invitation' below, in red.)
For the life of me I can't believe anyone would even want to participate! With the way news travels around this joint, I'm certain the list of participants as well as the documented start weights will be circulating before I can bring this post to completion. Plus, are they insane offereing a cash prize for the biggest loser? Please tell me this isn't coming out of our EIG fund.
Before you make your New Year’s resolution, read this . . .
30 billion dollars a year! That’s how much people in the United States alone spend on diet supplements, weight loss fads, gimmicks and miracle workout equipment that ends up in the corner of the garage or your next yard sale.
So why don’t these things work?
It is a human condition that we believe we can get something for nothing.
Example: We join a weight loss program and think the “plan” itself will make it happen. We buy a diet supplement and think that little pill will do all the work. Or we purchase an “Ab or Butt Buster” and believe that it will miraculously slim us down from its dusty location in the closet. So where am I going with this?
In an effort to have a healthier workforce, EIG and HR have teamed up to put together a “Weight Loss Contest” based on a group effort. This type of employee supported contest has proven to have great results at many other companies. Okay, so why should this effort work here and now when all your other attempts to loss weight have failed?
There is strength in numbers! In this plant-wide effort, you are not alone. That is a big difference in itself. We can support each other by working with a partner or team to give encouragement to each other and share ideas and tips that work. We’ll also know that we are all in the same boat together.
It is a proven fact that simple diet and exercise does work! That’s right. Eating the right foods and having a simple workout plan (walking for example) will give you the results. (Don’t let the diet industry hear you say that!)
New Year’s resolutions are based on “emotions” not solid plans. (Ohh . . . I ate too much over the holidays! Jeese I gotta lose weight!) So in early January, everybody starves themselves for two or three weeks and give up.
STRONG MOTIVATORS:
YOUR HEALTH: Greatly reduce the risk of heart attack, high blood pressure and diabetes. In simple terms, you’ll live longer.
A NEW YOU: Wouldn’t it be nice to look and feel better. Improve your attitude on life and maybe dust off an old dream.
Guys: A gold “Speedo” bathing suit. Girls: That “Little black dress”
LAST BUT NOT LEAST: The money $$$$$.
On April 15th, ONE EMPLOYEE will walk out of here with a large cash prize and a new outlook on life for losing the biggest percentage of their weight!
Because I had been completely apalled at the sight of the invitation and how tacky it was altogether, I had emailed our director of operations and expressed my concern. Did our company really want to sponser something like this? And, is this really something we wanted to promote?
His response?
Why, yes of course this was something we wanted to do, it was our goal to make everyone 'healthy'. And, no he wasn't concerned that people should only do such a thing under Dr. supervision because people diet on their own all the time. It was not our 'company concern' if anorexics and bulimics joined in because this was a choice they made, not the 'company'. The cash prize had nothing to do with it.
Because I'm now on the subject of the cash prize.....
He had also mentioned that the cash prize would not be coming from EIG funds. It would be coming from the entrants in the contest.
What the hell?? Paying to be able to compete??
On top of all that, in one breath it was stated this was a contest supported by EIG not by 'the company', in the next it was stated that it would be completely funded by somthing other then EIG.
Which is it now?? Rogue employee groups??
Needless to say, I am non plussed by the entire thing.
Now, I can imagine you would be out there wondering why in the heck would a director of operations support something like this.
Well, here's the reason.
He is also a participant.
It literally boggles my mind.
They couldn't have done it in a more tasteless or tacky way. (See the actual wording from the 'invitation' below, in red.)
For the life of me I can't believe anyone would even want to participate! With the way news travels around this joint, I'm certain the list of participants as well as the documented start weights will be circulating before I can bring this post to completion. Plus, are they insane offereing a cash prize for the biggest loser? Please tell me this isn't coming out of our EIG fund.
Before you make your New Year’s resolution, read this . . .
30 billion dollars a year! That’s how much people in the United States alone spend on diet supplements, weight loss fads, gimmicks and miracle workout equipment that ends up in the corner of the garage or your next yard sale.
So why don’t these things work?
It is a human condition that we believe we can get something for nothing.
Example: We join a weight loss program and think the “plan” itself will make it happen. We buy a diet supplement and think that little pill will do all the work. Or we purchase an “Ab or Butt Buster” and believe that it will miraculously slim us down from its dusty location in the closet. So where am I going with this?
In an effort to have a healthier workforce, EIG and HR have teamed up to put together a “Weight Loss Contest” based on a group effort. This type of employee supported contest has proven to have great results at many other companies. Okay, so why should this effort work here and now when all your other attempts to loss weight have failed?
There is strength in numbers! In this plant-wide effort, you are not alone. That is a big difference in itself. We can support each other by working with a partner or team to give encouragement to each other and share ideas and tips that work. We’ll also know that we are all in the same boat together.
It is a proven fact that simple diet and exercise does work! That’s right. Eating the right foods and having a simple workout plan (walking for example) will give you the results. (Don’t let the diet industry hear you say that!)
New Year’s resolutions are based on “emotions” not solid plans. (Ohh . . . I ate too much over the holidays! Jeese I gotta lose weight!) So in early January, everybody starves themselves for two or three weeks and give up.
STRONG MOTIVATORS:
YOUR HEALTH: Greatly reduce the risk of heart attack, high blood pressure and diabetes. In simple terms, you’ll live longer.
A NEW YOU: Wouldn’t it be nice to look and feel better. Improve your attitude on life and maybe dust off an old dream.
Guys: A gold “Speedo” bathing suit. Girls: That “Little black dress”
LAST BUT NOT LEAST: The money $$$$$.
On April 15th, ONE EMPLOYEE will walk out of here with a large cash prize and a new outlook on life for losing the biggest percentage of their weight!
Because I had been completely apalled at the sight of the invitation and how tacky it was altogether, I had emailed our director of operations and expressed my concern. Did our company really want to sponser something like this? And, is this really something we wanted to promote?
His response?
Why, yes of course this was something we wanted to do, it was our goal to make everyone 'healthy'. And, no he wasn't concerned that people should only do such a thing under Dr. supervision because people diet on their own all the time. It was not our 'company concern' if anorexics and bulimics joined in because this was a choice they made, not the 'company'. The cash prize had nothing to do with it.
Because I'm now on the subject of the cash prize.....
He had also mentioned that the cash prize would not be coming from EIG funds. It would be coming from the entrants in the contest.
What the hell?? Paying to be able to compete??
On top of all that, in one breath it was stated this was a contest supported by EIG not by 'the company', in the next it was stated that it would be completely funded by somthing other then EIG.
Which is it now?? Rogue employee groups??
Needless to say, I am non plussed by the entire thing.
Now, I can imagine you would be out there wondering why in the heck would a director of operations support something like this.
Well, here's the reason.
He is also a participant.
It literally boggles my mind.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid
The Bearded Woman has confided in me that she feels I am sexy. I can not begin to tell you how uncomfortable this makes me feel.
Damn myself for being such a sexy creature!!
Oh yeah, that's right, I work on the production floor, if the circus rolled through town half of them would disappear into the night, never to be seen again.
Which brings me to my main topic for today. It has come to my attention that one of our quality engineers is actually DATING Crazy Office Supply Jody.
I'm stunned, to say the least.
The only explanation I have thus far been able to surmise - desperation. He has found himself to be so hard up for a woman he has resorted to the last remaining option available, the crazy chick in the front office who hears voices that do not exist.
God have mercy on his soul.
Damn myself for being such a sexy creature!!
Oh yeah, that's right, I work on the production floor, if the circus rolled through town half of them would disappear into the night, never to be seen again.
Which brings me to my main topic for today. It has come to my attention that one of our quality engineers is actually DATING Crazy Office Supply Jody.
I'm stunned, to say the least.
The only explanation I have thus far been able to surmise - desperation. He has found himself to be so hard up for a woman he has resorted to the last remaining option available, the crazy chick in the front office who hears voices that do not exist.
God have mercy on his soul.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
The Luncheon
GQ has just visited Sophia and I, crying the blues, upset and alarmed that The New Guy had been invited to the luncheon. GQ had not.
I'm completely speechless.
I know for an undeniable fact that The New Guy was NOT invited to the luncheon. In fact, The New Guy had confronted me, demanding to know if I had been invited or not because he had felt slighted.
What an ass!
For starters, everyone hates him. Even if I was invited, I wouldn't be dragging his sorry ass along with me.
The fact remains, however, that he is so clueless to what proper protocol within the production floor is that he didn't even know those types of luncheons are just for the Upper Crust.
He doesn't have a glimmer of hope to ever become a part of the Upper Crust, this should prove to be a very interesting situation as events unfold.
As much as I really liked the fact that GQ had felt slighted, and his ego had been deflated, I had to tell him the truth. Sophia and I explained the events from the previous run in we had had with The New Guy, and let him know The New Guy had told him a bold face lie.
I'm completely speechless.
I know for an undeniable fact that The New Guy was NOT invited to the luncheon. In fact, The New Guy had confronted me, demanding to know if I had been invited or not because he had felt slighted.
What an ass!
For starters, everyone hates him. Even if I was invited, I wouldn't be dragging his sorry ass along with me.
The fact remains, however, that he is so clueless to what proper protocol within the production floor is that he didn't even know those types of luncheons are just for the Upper Crust.
He doesn't have a glimmer of hope to ever become a part of the Upper Crust, this should prove to be a very interesting situation as events unfold.
As much as I really liked the fact that GQ had felt slighted, and his ego had been deflated, I had to tell him the truth. Sophia and I explained the events from the previous run in we had had with The New Guy, and let him know The New Guy had told him a bold face lie.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Happy New Year!
And with the new year comes new stories from The Production Manager.....
For the next 3 days the production floor will be embroiled in the ever twisting audits and surveillance for our FDA / ISO re certifications.
The tension is thick, nerves are on edge. People we never see on the production floor are everywhere.
I was in the midst of the receiving department segment of the audit when Hedda appeared, fresh from jury duty, milk jug in one hand, the jury slip in another. A normal person would have bypassed me, knowing I was in the midst of important business, choosing instead to wait until I was not surrounded by the Director of Operations and the auditor.
Not Hedda....
Hedda walks right up to me, shoves the jury duty paper in my face, and stands there, staring at me.
I had no idea what to do.
Deciding to play it cool, I say to Hedda "Hey, you made it. No jury today?" I then looked at both the DO and the auditor and explained to them Hedda had been called upon to perform her civic duty.
Thankfully, jury duty jokes and anecdotes followed the interruption. To be honest, I was a bit perturbed by the whole production.
For the next 3 days the production floor will be embroiled in the ever twisting audits and surveillance for our FDA / ISO re certifications.
The tension is thick, nerves are on edge. People we never see on the production floor are everywhere.
I was in the midst of the receiving department segment of the audit when Hedda appeared, fresh from jury duty, milk jug in one hand, the jury slip in another. A normal person would have bypassed me, knowing I was in the midst of important business, choosing instead to wait until I was not surrounded by the Director of Operations and the auditor.
Not Hedda....
Hedda walks right up to me, shoves the jury duty paper in my face, and stands there, staring at me.
I had no idea what to do.
Deciding to play it cool, I say to Hedda "Hey, you made it. No jury today?" I then looked at both the DO and the auditor and explained to them Hedda had been called upon to perform her civic duty.
Thankfully, jury duty jokes and anecdotes followed the interruption. To be honest, I was a bit perturbed by the whole production.
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