Sophia knew she had spoken too soon.
Making a break for the restroom, Sophia and I headed in with caution. For once, the restroom did not smell like an outhouse that had sat in the sun and baked for a week straight.
"Hey, it's not bad in here today," Sophia had stated, surprised. No odious odor, no noises, nothing.
"Thank God," I returned, rolling my eyes.
No sooner had the words escaped our mouths then the flatulence began. From the third stall, a stall containing a woman wearing pink and white sneakers, came the nearly constant sound of farts, ripping one right after another. Horrified, I sat in the stall right beside her. The echo from the toilet bowl was deafening, I had to escape.
I found myself leaning down to stare at this woman's shoes, trying like crazy to recognize who it was. Why I wanted to know, I have no idea, but, really, if you think about it, it's no different then staring at a tragic accident. You just can't help yourself!
Almost as quickly as we headed to the restroom, Sophia and I scurried out. I'm certain the woman in the third stall could hear my laughter as I saw the look on Sophia's face.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Operation Picture Verification
As with any manufacturing facility, nothing stays a secret for long, especially information that could be deemed incredulous or unbelievable.
Word had spread that The New Guy had brought in a picture of his girlfriend and placed it on his desk. Immediately we all began to surmise....
Was it a real picture? Did he print something he pulled off the internet? Was she attractive? What in the hell did she see in The New Guy? Or, was this all an elaborate scheme?
It was imperative we were able to get down to the bottom of this!
As it so happens, GQ and The New Guy share a cubicle, and GQ was able to piece together from overheard conversations that The New Guy had planned to leave early, it was his birthday and he wanted to prepare for his marriage proposal.
Upon hearing this information, the wheels in my mind immediately began turning, the plan was formed.
Waiting for The New Guy to put on his coat and head for the door, Cruella immediately picked up the phone and whispered into it that The New Guy was headed out the door. Laughing to myself, I nodded over to Sophia and told he we were needed down in the bull pen.
Sophia and I entered the cubicle to find Cruella on The New Guy's phone, chatting, sitting in his chair, rifling through the papers on his desk. GQ sat at his desk, looking through the pictures he had taken the previous night partying with his 'friends', laughing as Sophia and I begin to visually scan The New Guys desk.
"Where's the picture?" I ask, laughing a little.
"Right here," Cruella hands me a black frame containing a very pretty oriental looking woman.
"This is her?" I ask, cynicism in my voice.
"Yes," GQ pops in. He has now scooted his chair over next to where Sophia, Cruella, and I had grouped.
"Well, she's pretty," Sophia had taken a long look at the girl in the frame.
"How do we know it's real?" I just couldn't, for the life of me, believe someone like her would go out with someone like The New Guy. "Let's take the picture out of the frame."
"I don't want any part of this," GQ immediately pulled back like a complete chicken.
Flipping the frame over, I slid the catch out from beneath the frame to allow the back to fall free. Carefully removing the inner contents of the frame, I discovered the picture was actually a card of some sort.
"Oh My God! It's a card in here, not just a picture. What should we do? Should we look?" I had held the card shut, waiting for a unanimous decision.
"Well, of course we should look!" GQ slid his chair back over and took the card from my hands, opening it and peering inside. "Hmmm....." Holding it out for the rest of us to see, it was completely void of any writing inside, just a piece of parchment paper with the words 'Happy Holidays' inside.
Unable to contain ourselves, the 4 of us began to laugh hysterically as Sophia burst out "This is like an Episode of 'The Office'."
Word had spread that The New Guy had brought in a picture of his girlfriend and placed it on his desk. Immediately we all began to surmise....
Was it a real picture? Did he print something he pulled off the internet? Was she attractive? What in the hell did she see in The New Guy? Or, was this all an elaborate scheme?
It was imperative we were able to get down to the bottom of this!
As it so happens, GQ and The New Guy share a cubicle, and GQ was able to piece together from overheard conversations that The New Guy had planned to leave early, it was his birthday and he wanted to prepare for his marriage proposal.
Upon hearing this information, the wheels in my mind immediately began turning, the plan was formed.
Waiting for The New Guy to put on his coat and head for the door, Cruella immediately picked up the phone and whispered into it that The New Guy was headed out the door. Laughing to myself, I nodded over to Sophia and told he we were needed down in the bull pen.
Sophia and I entered the cubicle to find Cruella on The New Guy's phone, chatting, sitting in his chair, rifling through the papers on his desk. GQ sat at his desk, looking through the pictures he had taken the previous night partying with his 'friends', laughing as Sophia and I begin to visually scan The New Guys desk.
"Where's the picture?" I ask, laughing a little.
"Right here," Cruella hands me a black frame containing a very pretty oriental looking woman.
"This is her?" I ask, cynicism in my voice.
"Yes," GQ pops in. He has now scooted his chair over next to where Sophia, Cruella, and I had grouped.
"Well, she's pretty," Sophia had taken a long look at the girl in the frame.
"How do we know it's real?" I just couldn't, for the life of me, believe someone like her would go out with someone like The New Guy. "Let's take the picture out of the frame."
"I don't want any part of this," GQ immediately pulled back like a complete chicken.
Flipping the frame over, I slid the catch out from beneath the frame to allow the back to fall free. Carefully removing the inner contents of the frame, I discovered the picture was actually a card of some sort.
"Oh My God! It's a card in here, not just a picture. What should we do? Should we look?" I had held the card shut, waiting for a unanimous decision.
"Well, of course we should look!" GQ slid his chair back over and took the card from my hands, opening it and peering inside. "Hmmm....." Holding it out for the rest of us to see, it was completely void of any writing inside, just a piece of parchment paper with the words 'Happy Holidays' inside.
Unable to contain ourselves, the 4 of us began to laugh hysterically as Sophia burst out "This is like an Episode of 'The Office'."
Thursday, March 22, 2007
The New Guy Finds a Bride
Sophia and I have come to discover this past week that The New Guy has found himself a future bride.
This woman obviously doesn't know him very well!
Apparently after the month and 2 days they have been dating The New Guy is certain he's on the road to marriage, he has even begun talking about how he should pop the question. It is his belief that she is fully on board with the whole marriage thing and she would absolutely say yes at this very moment if he were to pop the question.
One of two things is happening, I believe.
A) This woman is so desperate to marry she has allowed herself to scrape the bottom of the barrel for a suitable candidate.
B) The New Guy is moving quick, this may be his last opportunity to marry a woman, he needs to snatch this one up before she gets to know the 'real' New Guy.
Personally, I believe it to be the latter of the two. At some point she's going to notice his purple lips and deformed eyebrow above his left eye.
In other news, I broke about a million rules today when I checked out The New Guys attendance out of curiosity. He had stated to Sophia and I he and his girlfriend were planning on flying to Vegas in May for a vacation. My evil twin getting the better of me, I knew he was just about out of sick time, so I looked to see if he was actually telling the truth.
Not!!
Not only does he NOT have any time left to take, but, he also has a verbal write up in his attendance file already. He will never make it to his anniversary date in September without missing any time.... I do not see a long term production floor future for this freak of nature.
I just hope he lasts long enough for me to see if he really does end up getting married, I'm seriously considering taking bets on the outcome.
This woman obviously doesn't know him very well!
Apparently after the month and 2 days they have been dating The New Guy is certain he's on the road to marriage, he has even begun talking about how he should pop the question. It is his belief that she is fully on board with the whole marriage thing and she would absolutely say yes at this very moment if he were to pop the question.
One of two things is happening, I believe.
A) This woman is so desperate to marry she has allowed herself to scrape the bottom of the barrel for a suitable candidate.
B) The New Guy is moving quick, this may be his last opportunity to marry a woman, he needs to snatch this one up before she gets to know the 'real' New Guy.
Personally, I believe it to be the latter of the two. At some point she's going to notice his purple lips and deformed eyebrow above his left eye.
In other news, I broke about a million rules today when I checked out The New Guys attendance out of curiosity. He had stated to Sophia and I he and his girlfriend were planning on flying to Vegas in May for a vacation. My evil twin getting the better of me, I knew he was just about out of sick time, so I looked to see if he was actually telling the truth.
Not!!
Not only does he NOT have any time left to take, but, he also has a verbal write up in his attendance file already. He will never make it to his anniversary date in September without missing any time.... I do not see a long term production floor future for this freak of nature.
I just hope he lasts long enough for me to see if he really does end up getting married, I'm seriously considering taking bets on the outcome.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Today on the production floor.....
Hedda Hopper used the bathroom and did not wash her hands.
I was completely disgusted.
After attending the morning meeting, a meeting in which I had consumed an entire 20oz bottle of Mt. Dew, I made a pit stop at the women's restroom. While in route I had seen Hedda enter the restroom.
My initial fear was of her stinking the place up before I had a chance to make it down there. There is nothing in the world worse then using a public restroom while someone in the next stall is taking a shit.
I now know there is one other public restroom nightmare that can rival this situation.
Hedda Hopper left the restroom WITHOUT washing her hands.
For the rest of the day I couldn't even look in her direction without this piece of knowledge coming back to haunt me. I will never be able to touch anything she has touched ever again.
I now know why she smelled like urine last week.
I was completely disgusted.
After attending the morning meeting, a meeting in which I had consumed an entire 20oz bottle of Mt. Dew, I made a pit stop at the women's restroom. While in route I had seen Hedda enter the restroom.
My initial fear was of her stinking the place up before I had a chance to make it down there. There is nothing in the world worse then using a public restroom while someone in the next stall is taking a shit.
I now know there is one other public restroom nightmare that can rival this situation.
Hedda Hopper left the restroom WITHOUT washing her hands.
For the rest of the day I couldn't even look in her direction without this piece of knowledge coming back to haunt me. I will never be able to touch anything she has touched ever again.
I now know why she smelled like urine last week.
Monday, March 19, 2007
The Skank Scandel
Spicegirl has taken it upon herself to rehire the tattooed up drug addict.
Ok, this is the woman whose attendance was so poor she would have been fired her last day if she hadn't chosen to voluntarily walk out.
This is the woman they WANT to bring back?
I'm at a loss.
What is it about these hopeless derelicts of society that people just want to bend over backwards for? Is it the notion that somehow they can 'make a difference' in their life? There by, hopeless derelict makes complete turn around and they become a martyr?
Whatever the reason, I don't believe for a second it's out of generosity and kindness.
Ok, this is the woman whose attendance was so poor she would have been fired her last day if she hadn't chosen to voluntarily walk out.
This is the woman they WANT to bring back?
I'm at a loss.
What is it about these hopeless derelicts of society that people just want to bend over backwards for? Is it the notion that somehow they can 'make a difference' in their life? There by, hopeless derelict makes complete turn around and they become a martyr?
Whatever the reason, I don't believe for a second it's out of generosity and kindness.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
The Natives are Restless
As with any production floor, change comes painfully and aggressively.
With the new business model, dictated by our new owners, also comes a new corporate structure. Where once my corporation consisted of 4 plants located in 4 different states, 2 of which fighting over corporate control, it now consists of many, many different plants located in many different countries, each and every one of them managing their own destiny.
Scary..... yet vindicating at the same time. It's about time.
The president of our new company, the vice president of North American operations, and a few other members of the upper crust were in house last Thursday for the official welcome ceremony.
As much as I would like to welcome them all with open arms and say "It's about fucking time!" I also feel hesitant in the situation, too many years of financial hardship and cut backs have hardened me. I've learned to not truly see anything as 'good', because, deep inside every single act of generosity is always a seed of evil.
Being a production manager has opened my eyes to this world. I see what happens behind the scenes, the conversations that occur, the reason behind everything. 'Spin a positive approach on the subject' they say.....
Little do they know how much it tears me apart inside to do such a thing when I KNOW it is not for a positive reason at all.
Alas, I digress... That was then, this is now.
So, the upper crust was in the plant on Thursday for our official welcoming ceremony. In the cafeteria we all sat, sweating our asses off, listening intently as one of the most charismatic people I've had witness to observe tell me about how wonderful his company is and how excited he was to have us all join his 'family'.
I wanted so badly to be able to think everything is going to be better from this point forward, but I can't. I just can't.
Only time will tell, and, I shall be traveling with a guarded heart.
I have also learned that I will be working for a new boss. The departments I head, in the new regime, no longer belong to the Quality group, we will at some point be listed as a Materials function. I anxiously await the announcement of who my new boss will be. Because this position had not existed under the old regime, we all sit on pins and needles waiting to see who will be the new Materials Manager.
I will be forced to quit my job if Big Dog is the individual nominated for this position. There is no way I could work for such a malcontent degenerate once again.
God have mercy on my soul.
With the new business model, dictated by our new owners, also comes a new corporate structure. Where once my corporation consisted of 4 plants located in 4 different states, 2 of which fighting over corporate control, it now consists of many, many different plants located in many different countries, each and every one of them managing their own destiny.
Scary..... yet vindicating at the same time. It's about time.
The president of our new company, the vice president of North American operations, and a few other members of the upper crust were in house last Thursday for the official welcome ceremony.
As much as I would like to welcome them all with open arms and say "It's about fucking time!" I also feel hesitant in the situation, too many years of financial hardship and cut backs have hardened me. I've learned to not truly see anything as 'good', because, deep inside every single act of generosity is always a seed of evil.
Being a production manager has opened my eyes to this world. I see what happens behind the scenes, the conversations that occur, the reason behind everything. 'Spin a positive approach on the subject' they say.....
Little do they know how much it tears me apart inside to do such a thing when I KNOW it is not for a positive reason at all.
Alas, I digress... That was then, this is now.
So, the upper crust was in the plant on Thursday for our official welcoming ceremony. In the cafeteria we all sat, sweating our asses off, listening intently as one of the most charismatic people I've had witness to observe tell me about how wonderful his company is and how excited he was to have us all join his 'family'.
I wanted so badly to be able to think everything is going to be better from this point forward, but I can't. I just can't.
Only time will tell, and, I shall be traveling with a guarded heart.
I have also learned that I will be working for a new boss. The departments I head, in the new regime, no longer belong to the Quality group, we will at some point be listed as a Materials function. I anxiously await the announcement of who my new boss will be. Because this position had not existed under the old regime, we all sit on pins and needles waiting to see who will be the new Materials Manager.
I will be forced to quit my job if Big Dog is the individual nominated for this position. There is no way I could work for such a malcontent degenerate once again.
God have mercy on my soul.
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