The Interview

I would first like to clarify that I use the word "interview" loosly......

I started the day, today, thinking 'this could be the day'. This could be the day I found my new job that I totally love that pays me as much as I'm worth.

Then I realized I was daydreaming and finished getting ready for my interview.

Yep, that is correct, The Production Manager has ventured out and submitted some resumes, one of which getting a little attention as a result.

Not the best interview of my life, but, hey...... It sure did make for a great story!

Taking special care to pay close attention to my appearance, I primped and prodded at myself all morning hoping to pull off a sharp, sophisticated, put-together look for my first interview in 12 years. Arriving at exactly 10:25, 5 minutes early, I headed to the front desk and announced my arrival.

"Hi, I'm 'The Production Manager'. I'm here for a 10:30 interview," I was nervouse but portrayed an image of confidence.

"Oh, um, ok. Let me just get a hold of Ricky," an overweight, gum chewing woman squeaked from behind the desk.

10 minutes pass as I stand there, waiting, listening to Squeaker tell a coworker how her daughter was going to be 1 in two weeks and how she felt so old. I try my best to drone her out but it doesn't work. Squeaker's friend starts picking her butt then adjusts her bra.

"Follow me," Squeaker has stepped around from behind her desk and is pulling on a zip up hoodie. "He finally found your paperwork, I'll be bringing you back to his office." Squeaker is walking at a snails pace.

"Thank you," I smile, cringing. Butt Picker is tagging along too.

We walk to the back of the store where Squeaker and Butt Picker show me to a chair in the smallest office I've ever seen. In two steps you were literally from outside the door to the other side of the desk and ready to work. Although, I don't see how you could actually get any work done in that robin's egg blue shit hole, just sitting there for that brief amount of time I was there was enough to give me one hell of an headache.

"Hey Slacker, she's in your office," I hear from just outside the door. I was giving the office a brief glance when my interviewer lumbered through the door, collapsing heavily into his chair.

"Hello, I'm Rick," I stared in bemusement at the sight before me. A 400 lb bald man wearing jeans and a black spandex t-shirt was sitting before me, belly fat resting on the arm rests of his chair, one arm extended to shake my hand.

"Hello, I'm 'The Production Manager'," I replied, shaking his enormous, sweaty hand. A child's puzzle had been put together and made into artwork that he had chosen to hang on the wall behind him.

"I wanted to start by letting you know that this in not a full time job," I couldn't pull my eyes from his hideous mouth. Was he actually chewing a piece of meat?

"Well, thanks for your time Rick, but I'm really only looking for full time employment," I look away from him, disgusted by every last thing in the entire office. A piece of chewed gum is stuck to the underside of the corner of his desk.

"I'm going to put your name in our computer, and, if anything full time pops up we'll keep you in consideration. I have to be honest, though, we haven't actually had any full time openings in about 3 years," blah.... blah..... blah......

Why in the hell did they call me and set up an interview for? This was a complete bust.

"Ok, thank you Rick, I appreciate that. I've taken the liberty to bring my resume and references for you to review, if you could please file this with my application, I'd appreciate it," was I on crack?? This was absolutely the last place on earth I want to work! I've definitely got to work on shutting off auto-pilot once in a while.

"Ok, will do," handing my resume over I get up to leave. I couldn't help but wonder just how someone like this makes it into a position of management. In my worst nightmare my old coworkers could never have sunk to this level, not even Big Dog.